Archive for April, 2011

The Terror of the Fluff

When I was a young pup in California, we had a really big window and I would sit at the window and watch all the people walk by and the birds fly around.   I would see the neighborhood dogs walking with their humans and I would bark a hello as they passed by.  Even the mailman would wave and say my name when he came by.  It was all the best part of my inside day.

But then the Fluff moved in next door…

The Fluff

Before I met the Fluff I had never seen a cat before.  And when the Fluff moved in, he just strolled right across my driveway like he owned it.  At first I barked to say “hey, that’s my driveway, Fluff!”  But that only made him come closer and closer.  Soon it was his daily routine to come right up to my window and sit on the edge, right on the other side of the glass from me.  And the Fluff would stare right into my eyes and make me think crazy things.  Shapes and stars would swirl around in my head.   And I would bark and wine, and he would just stare at me.  Never blinking.  Just twitching his fluffy tail and moving his fluffy whiskers.  The longer he stared at me, the more the crazy grew.   Until just when I thought I might explode from too much crazy, he would just dart away without warning.

I had nightmares about the Fluff.  Always running after him and never catching him.  Sometimes when I heard noises at night, I thought is was the Fluff sneaking in to my house and I would leap off the bed and race around trying to find him.  And then the Fluff family moved away and took the Fluff with them.  I thought for sure that was the end.  I’d never be able to catch the Fluff.  I didn’t know what I’d do when I caught him, but I knew that was the purpose of my Spring.  To catch the Fluff.

Then I learned that the Fluff is just one of many many cats in the world.  Many many many cats.  So many cats that I’m always on the lookout for them.  Whenever I’m out, I sniff around, keep my ears on alert, and if I smell or spy a fluffy hair I spring into action in case the Fluff is nearby.  Maybe one day I’ll catch up to the fluff.  Maybe one day we’ll play the stare game my way.

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Humans who don’t like dogs

I think there is a sickness for humans called anti-dog leprosy.  I posted before that all human kids are born loving dogs, and then some humans somehow grow up to not like dogs.  When do they get the sickness?  Is it contagious?  I’m worried my favorite humans will catch it somehow after hearing Lacie’s stories of her old human parents abandoning her.  So I’m going to keep a close eye on my humans.  I’ve put together a list of symptoms I came up with so you, oh dog-loving interweb humans, can also spot those infected:

1) The humans infected with anti-dog leprosy will also be infected with frowny-face disease, and complainitis.  So they’ll be unable to sustain a happy, instead complaining about everything in the world that has the possibility of giving other humans a happy.

2) They will also show an inability to use their whole human brain.  Often their thoughts (especially about dogs) will have no facts or logic associated with them, and they will insist on spewing these thoughts out to anyone who will listen.  Kinda like how I throw up my food if my mom accidentally leaves some chocolate out.

3) They don’t know how to frolic.  This is the most important (and easiest to spot) test for anti-dog leprosy.  If you know a human who doesn’t know how to frolic, back away slowly and try not to lick them or you may get infected.

My human mom just told me about an outbreak of this infection in our old home back in California.  I sure hope my doggie friends out there are keeping an eye on their humans!  And I hope the humans in California can stop it from spreading.  Otherwise California dogs won’t be able to do cool things like this:

California Adventures: Mission Peak

California Adventures: Mission Peak

Songs about me

There are so many human songs about me, that I sometimes get confused when humans don’t want me to lick them in the face.  I mean, you sing about me on almost every radio station, but you don’t love me so much you want me to clean all the food off your lips?  If you’re wondering what songs are specifically about me (there are many), here are my top 5:

1) “I’m down with LCC” (“Yeah, you know me”) — my full name is Lola Coca Cola (or LCC)

2) “Whatever Lola Wants” (“…Lola gets”) — uh, duh

3) “Her name was Lola” — This song is confusing to me, but it has my name in it, and they say my name a lot… “Lola, La la la la Lola”.

4) “I Feel So Untouched” — Cuz I do.. unless I’m at the Magical Land of Touches for Free

5) “Can You Meet Me Halfway” — If not I’ll run all the way over.

Do you interweb humans have any favorite songs about me?  If you can’t think of one, feel free to sing one of my favs.  Right now.  Just get up and sing. Wherever you are right now (work, asleep, doing something lame and un-fun), just stop all the human nonsense and sing about the coolest dog you’ve never met.  Lacie is trying to sing along too, but all she can say is “Ah boo boo boo.”
If you can’t sing (or maybe you don’t know how?)… do you have any food that needs to be cleaned off your lips?  Have tongue, will travel.

I love kids

Kids are way cooler than adult humans.  No question about it.  First, they have way more energy and never get tired of playing with me.  And second, they are smaller than adults and don’t mind being licked in the face quite as much (or perhaps they mind and can’t do anything about it).  I want one for my very own.  I keep telling this to my mom by running/tugging toward all the kids I see outside.  But I’m not sure she’s getting the message.   Maybe she’ll read my blog (instead of just blindly typing, which she tends to do since she’s always typing and watching her beloved TV shows at the same time) and get the hint.  Maybe.

Yesterday, I was thinking she heard my inner thoughts because she brought us to a strange yard that had not one, but two little girls (Josie and Claudia)!  And they played with me allllll day.  It was like heaven.  Josie’s mom said she must have been a dog in a former life because she has so much energy and loves to play like me.  But I think she’s just an awesome human kid.  I wanted to take her home with me, but my mom says they’ll visit some other time.  I’m counting the doggie days!

You know what else is great about kids?  They all love dogs.  Sure some of the older ones who have heard too many stories from their parents are a bit wary.  But the younger ones… they all love dogs.  Kids are definitely born loving dogs.  And they especially love me.  As you humans grow up you start caring about stupid things like being clean, getting rest, having emotions other than happy, and going to work.  But kids think everyday is Caturday.  And, like me, they would way rather be outside romping in the forest than doing anything else.

What happens to you humans as you get older?  Why are human adults so lame?  Is it some kind of sickness?  If so, please tell all the human doctors to work on it asap.  If human adults were just taller kids, the world would be a fantastical land, and I’d run around looking like this all the time:

Happy, Lola-style

The stare

Did you ever want something really really really bad?  I know all you humans care about is pleasing your pet, but lets pretend that you had something you wanted and it was all you could think about.  Like a piece of chicken.  Or a romp in the forest.  Or, if you’re my mom, some really shiny pretty red shoes that have not been chewed.  Do you wanna know how to get what you really want?  I will explain.  Why should you listen?  Because, I always get what I want.

You must first perfect the “stare.”  Remove all the happy from your face and replace it with concentrated “want.”   Then perk your ears up slightly (or if  you’re a human, pout your lips) and turn to the victim of your stare.  Focus.  It should look like this:

Keep still. Hold the stare until they break to your will.

Once your victim is captured by the stare, turn toward the object of your desire and stare at it.

Stare focused on dinner bowl

Then return your eyes to your victim and back to the object of desire.  Back and forth, upping the focus of “want” in your eyes.  After a few minutes one of two things will happen.  You will either get exactly what you want, or you will get an even better substitute.  This works well when what you want is not in visible range.  For example if you want to romp in the forest but you can’t see the forest, all you can see is the door.  Then you can stare at your victim and stare at the door, and soon you will receive the romp you want.

Ready for my romp in the forest

Now that you know this secret you will be the master of your universe!  Until you encounter someone who has a better stare than you.  So if your wants maybe include my furry goose, you’re outta luck.

The Magical Land of Touches for Free

If I won the biggest prize for extreme fur sports and got to pick where I’d want to go to after, I would pick the “Magical Land of Touches for Free.”  My humans use the strange term “vet” which sounds like some large snake monster, but I assure you, the Land of Touches for Free is fantabulous.   When I go to the Land of Touches for Free, we wait in the pee anywhere room, for what seems like forever. But it’s really cool because I get to watch the door, willing it to open and deliver me the free touches and treats, and then eventually it does!

Open. Open. Open.

When it opens, in will pop some really nice human who acts like they’ve been waiting to touch me their whole life.  Then they give me treats, as if I need motivation to like them.   Sometimes I even get to stay all day.  I won’t tell you what happens in the back room because it’s a secret, and they said if I tell I can’t come back.

Today we got to go the the Magical Land of Touches for Free because Lacie has been lazy.  She doesn’t get up as fast as me to bark at people outside, and I always beat her to the door when our humans come home.  I think it’s because I’m just too fast for her.  But mom thinks she’s sick.  The crazy thing is, Lacie is super afraid the the Magical Land of Touches for Free.  Maybe she also thinks the word “vet” is some scary snake monster.  She is a really strange fur toy I tell you.  She even tried to hide in my dad’s lap when they were touching her today at the Magical Land.   What?!?  Hide from touches?  Blasphemy!

My mom always says Lacie is smarter than me, and that I’m a “simple” dog.  But I’m not the one turning down free massages and fun time.   Sometimes I think to myself, “she’s the dumbest smart dog I’ve ever met.”   In the end, the lady doctor from the Magical Land couldn’t find anything wrong with Lacie, so we’ll have to come back in a few weeks.   Hurray!  😀

The Shy Paradox

Perhaps you can answer a question for me humans, since you all possess so many useless emotions other than happy.  What is the motivation behind being “shy?”  I met a “shy” dog last night at our extreme fur sport practice.  He seemed alright, except whenever I got close to Shy, he would get all ansty and the humans would have spasms and call me over in panicked voices.   Which of course only made me want to get even closer to Shy.  It was this mystery that I couldn’t solve!  A dog who couldn’t play!  All I could think about was Shy!  It was like Shy had this magnetic pull, or was covered in peanut butter or something.

Now, being an all knowing Springer Spaniel, I feel I am an enlightened dog.  But it I can’t unlock Shy.  He is an enigma wrapped in a paradox wrapped in bacon.  It seems, based on how angry Shy gets when I get nearby, that Shy doesn’t want me to play with him.  Which I find odd, because who wouldn’t want to play with me?  Maybe he is sick?  But if Shy really doesn’t want to play with me, why oh why does he act in a way that only makes me want to play with him more!?!  You know who I don’t want to play with?  That annoying German Shepard puppy that jumps all over me right before I’m about to Spring for the ball.   She messes up my game.

So here’s my two licks for the day: If you, like Shy, really don’t want other dogs (or humans) to play with you, be annoying.  Don’t be shy.  It doesn’t make any sense, and you’ll only end up smelling like bacon.

And if you do want to play, check out the following video to see how fun I can be to play with.  🙂

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